Merrill and I have entered a new dimension in this process of adopting children, it is about Birth Parents. I have come to feel that no matter what you know about a certain subject, there is always so much more to learn. We have actually dealt with birth parents before now. We have had open adoptions, legal risk placements where the birth parents were still involved, and for that matter, birth parents that were involved with a few of the children that we only fostered.
All in all, the dealings have been okay. Until now.
One of our adult sons has had some ongoing legal and mental problems. To be honest, it has just gotten to the point where we did not even have a clue how to help him any longer. This is a harsh reality to even have to look at as parents. One of his former foster parents has really never been supportive of the adoption of he and his siblings. She withheld all of their pictures taken during the five years she had the children. It was hard as we tried to help them piece together their past. Well, she managed to put this one son in touch with his birth dad.
Really, Merrill and I took a positive look at this. We thought that maybe this might just help this one son with all the things that he never really could put together. I am not sure how it is all going, but on the surface it has not turned out the way we had hoped. You see, now two of our adult children are living with their birth dad. What started out as possibly positive has taken a really negative turn.
Rather than go into all the sorted details, I just want to share the wisdom of a dear friend who works with foster children, adopted children, birth families, social workers, troubled teens and really just anyone and everyone. I wrote to Joseph and shared the pain Merrill and I were feeling...with his permission, here is his answer.......
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Each of us, each and every one of us, has to follow our own journey through life.. as parents. we do what we can do to help each of our children have the best journey... and yet.. each child must fall and rise on his own along the way
you can't push yourself to be perfect.. you can't be his mom and social worker and Merrill can't be his father and social worker .. neither of you can be his counselor, therapist, pastor, etc. all you can be are his parents.. and at his age.. your role as parents is simply to love him.. but that does not mean you have to sacrifice your safety, spirituality or sanity for him.
Sometimes when we do nothing about a problem.. the problem solves itself.. at times when I want to rush in and rescue and solve the problem.. I find it solves itself as Fate decrees
my ancestors believed in a spiritual concept called FATUM.. which means "each one of us is born with an assigned destiny."
the secret to life is to discover what is our assigned destiny and accept it.. the downfall is when we fail to discover it and fail to accept it..
your destiny is, has been and will be to be the parents that you are to the children who have suffering as part of their destiny..
but, you can't be THE DESTINY OF YOUR CHILDREN... you can guide them and offer them elements to help them fulfill their destinies.. but you can't be their destiny. perhaps that is what you are forcing upon yourself with J.????
he's out there in the world right now and you dont' know where he is. Just remind yourself.. that he has to discover the world himself... you can't stop him.. as painful as it is.. you should convince yourself it is his destiny...
in the end.. all roads lead to God.. even the shortcuts and the detours and the washed out roads with pot holes
so the journey may be treacherous.. but in the end.. in one way or another.. all of us including J will reach the Source of Destiny.. God.
*******************************
Thank You Joseph for taking the time to care, to reach out, to help us see the bigger picture. Merrill and I will continue to pray for all of our children. You continue to amaze us with your wisdom and your ability to see things when the rest of us can't. You see the beauty in all things. The family loves you.
.
All in all, the dealings have been okay. Until now.
One of our adult sons has had some ongoing legal and mental problems. To be honest, it has just gotten to the point where we did not even have a clue how to help him any longer. This is a harsh reality to even have to look at as parents. One of his former foster parents has really never been supportive of the adoption of he and his siblings. She withheld all of their pictures taken during the five years she had the children. It was hard as we tried to help them piece together their past. Well, she managed to put this one son in touch with his birth dad.
Really, Merrill and I took a positive look at this. We thought that maybe this might just help this one son with all the things that he never really could put together. I am not sure how it is all going, but on the surface it has not turned out the way we had hoped. You see, now two of our adult children are living with their birth dad. What started out as possibly positive has taken a really negative turn.
Rather than go into all the sorted details, I just want to share the wisdom of a dear friend who works with foster children, adopted children, birth families, social workers, troubled teens and really just anyone and everyone. I wrote to Joseph and shared the pain Merrill and I were feeling...with his permission, here is his answer.......
***********************************
Each of us, each and every one of us, has to follow our own journey through life.. as parents. we do what we can do to help each of our children have the best journey... and yet.. each child must fall and rise on his own along the way
you can't push yourself to be perfect.. you can't be his mom and social worker and Merrill can't be his father and social worker .. neither of you can be his counselor, therapist, pastor, etc. all you can be are his parents.. and at his age.. your role as parents is simply to love him.. but that does not mean you have to sacrifice your safety, spirituality or sanity for him.
Sometimes when we do nothing about a problem.. the problem solves itself.. at times when I want to rush in and rescue and solve the problem.. I find it solves itself as Fate decrees
my ancestors believed in a spiritual concept called FATUM.. which means "each one of us is born with an assigned destiny."
the secret to life is to discover what is our assigned destiny and accept it.. the downfall is when we fail to discover it and fail to accept it..
your destiny is, has been and will be to be the parents that you are to the children who have suffering as part of their destiny..
but, you can't be THE DESTINY OF YOUR CHILDREN... you can guide them and offer them elements to help them fulfill their destinies.. but you can't be their destiny. perhaps that is what you are forcing upon yourself with J.????
he's out there in the world right now and you dont' know where he is. Just remind yourself.. that he has to discover the world himself... you can't stop him.. as painful as it is.. you should convince yourself it is his destiny...
in the end.. all roads lead to God.. even the shortcuts and the detours and the washed out roads with pot holes
so the journey may be treacherous.. but in the end.. in one way or another.. all of us including J will reach the Source of Destiny.. God.
*******************************
Thank You Joseph for taking the time to care, to reach out, to help us see the bigger picture. Merrill and I will continue to pray for all of our children. You continue to amaze us with your wisdom and your ability to see things when the rest of us can't. You see the beauty in all things. The family loves you.
.
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