I am sitting here and wanting to write in our blog, but I feel that this post will be such a downer really. It is about intense feelings and sometimes feelings that are this intense are better left unsaid. Still, I want to say it, write it, get it all out.
I miss my Daddy. I really just plain miss my Daddy. My Mom has been gone for over 21 years now and I did not think I could go on when she died. I mean she was my Mom for crying out loud. She taught me so very much. She taught me how to loose a child and survive it. Still she never lost a parent, while she was alive. When she died, I still had my daddy. I guess that is what made it all okay in the long run.
Now, he is gone too. I miss him. I miss telling him things, both good and bad. I miss talking to him about the Holidays and about life in general. I miss trying to figure out what I was going to give him for Christmas, His Birthday and Father's day. I miss his laughter and how he was always joking around. I miss how he answered the phone..."Bob Baumann" and I would always say "Roberta Simon" and he would just laugh, like it was new and the first time I had ever done it. I miss how he was there for me.
My daddy remarried and so then I got a step mom. Funny, she was always just Sandy. Not my mom, not a step mom, just Sandy. She brought much happiness to my daddy and I will forever be grateful to her for that....but we never lived by them. I have only been around her a handful of times. She has her children and her grand kids. Her life is busy, and it should be that way. So I do not really have a Sandy any longer either. My children lost it all that day, August 19, 2007. My little ones will never really know the love of grand parents. That makes me very sad.
I have been fighting depression. It is part of the grieving process, this much I know for sure...all too well really. I hate this road and yet everyone will travel this road when the times comes for them to loose someone they love, be it a friend or a family member. I ask myself, am I near the end of the road or is this really just the beginning of the long road? There is no answer. You must just keep on walking. One day you realize you have traveled the road and you have done a good job with it all. Still I hate this road.
As we get ready to travel to Apply Valley for Thanksgiving, it is a bitter sweet trip. I wonder just how long Merrill will still have his mom alive. She was the one we thought we would loose first. The one that had all of the medical problems. The one that just had a rough life. But no, we lost my Mom first, then Merrill's dad, now my daddy. Life is a precious gift and we never know when we will take our last breath, yet we go about life acting like we have forever to get it all done and for it to be right. We take each day for granted, as if we will have the next day also and the day after that. Traveling to Apple Valley, that far for just one day is hard, but for some reason it is so worth it.
Merrill and I have always taken the approach to go and to do with our children and I am so glad that we do. Many people with special children do not like to travel. Face it, it is hard, but the 'what ifs" are harder. I hope that with each loss, we learn even more to live our life so that we do not have regrets.
As for my Daddy and my Mom, I really do not have regrets. I know they knew that I loved them and I know that they loved me. We were far from a perfect family. Norman Rockwell never came to our home :o) but they taught me about life, how that people mattered and that even the least of these are as valued as the so called best of all.
Yes, I miss my Daddy. My life has once again been forever changed by his passing. Life will never again be as it was before August 19, 2007. I am not sure how I will face the days and months ahead, but this much I know....I will. In the end I will be stronger even if now I flounder a bit. I am after all, his daughter and he and my Mom made me stronger...stronger than I ever wanted to be....but strong. My daddy use to tell me when I was in the hospital......"Roberta, you will get through this. You know how I know.......because you were a Baumann long before you became a Simon and we Baumann's are strong people."
You were right Daddy. Somehow you were always right.
Maybe a memory ornament for him this year.....one that brings me joy and reminds me of him. Yes, for now he is gone, but he will forever be my daddy and I will forever be Bob Baumann's daughter.
Comments
i wish there were some magic word or phrase that would make you feel all better...but theres not....i think you are doing the best thing by talking about your dad...and the world he gave you for all your years.
what comes to mind for me is the relationship i have with my dad...or really the lack thereof.....we havent really been as close as my older and younger brother has been to him....i am ther blacksheep of the family....no talents ...no skills....just a guy who screws up most everything hes ever done....my dad doesnt even know which one of his grandsons is which.....and he lives just a few minutes away....hes never tried....again because they arfe the sons of the blacksheep.....anyway....be joyful that you had the time of your life with your dad....the memories...the things he taught you....the way he obviously taught you how to love....its shows in everything you do...your dad is looking down upon you and nudging the guy next to him , pointed to you and saying "thats my kid right there" i know that when he got to the pearly gates st. peter surely said to your dad..."we've been expecting you"
todd
When her mother died, one lady I knew was grateful, because she would no long have to keep from killing her. So I'm glad you had a dad you can miss, but sorry you miss him. It can be even harder when you have other stresses at the same time, like a newly added child, or a pair of very very busy puppies.
Hugs, hugs, hugs to a saint,
Maud
This is one time that I can truly feel your pain. I still have not moved on, but have found ways to get through. My Mom passed on Thanksgiving day, 1998. The Holidays are very hard. But you have the best to help you find your way. You have your very special family. And do not think for a moment that your dad will not put great things in your way to trip over. With every blessing that you encounter each day, thank your dad and enjoy what He has given to you.
Jo Ann
So when you need to talk to your Dad talk to him you know what he will say back to you.
Depression is hard to handle I've had a rough year and went to my doctor of some help. So if you feel the need for more then what you can do yourself talk to you doctor to see what he might suggest to help you.
You & Your family is such a wonderful example for us all. You have open your heart, home and life to so many children that wouldn't have someone to love them.
Keep up the good work you do.
She.
could give you a hug and make you feel better, but there are just no
words to make it go away... only time and knowing your friends are
listening and aching for you! Love you!
Diana
I was very touched by your writing. I remember so well the great loss I felt when my dad died
8 years ago.
I know that each of us has to grieve in our own time. Please take that time for yourself and do not
let anyone rush you "to feel better."
We always enjoy seeing your pictures and hearing about all you do with your family. They are so blessed
to have you and Merrill as parents.
29 years, wow, I can remember when you were first together. Congratulations!!!!
I just talked with Mark and he is planning to spend part of Thanksgiving Day with us in Big Bear and then
head over to Apple Valley to join on of you.
Take care and please give my love to all
Lynn
ps. Please tell Merrill I am still waiting for my pay out.
Love, Carmen
I am an orphan too, you know, and Holidays make being an orphan very difficult. I lost my mom in 2001 and my dad in 2006 and both grandparents just a few years before my mom. Life will never be the same. I am a person who always valued family times together, even as a kid. I feel most sorry for my children and my grand-daughter, who will never be hugged or held by my parents, but I keep thinking they are still here in other ways. This Thanksgiving I will be making my mom's special creamed corn and my grandma's amazing chipped chocolate pie. I will think of my dad telling us stories after dinner or suggesting that we walk a mile to work off the too-full stomach. He always had so much energy and was always just a few steps ahead of all of us, even though he was older. I will think of the wonderful political debates my grandfather would have engaged me in, forcing me to consider other cultures, people, and events outside our little cocoon. These are the only ways in which I can still keep them them in our lives. We (you and I) have become the parents and the grandparents who our children call for that bit of advice or just to hear our voices. I miss my parents greatly too, but I also realize that I am so lucky to have had parents that "I miss". Take care of yourself and continue to grieve. Don't feel bad for feeling so bad, because somewhere along the line, it will get a little easier.
Paula H
Carol
Thanks for being so frank. I'm sorry that you are battling depression. We have such fond memories of you and Merrill, wish we could be there to encourage you in person! Wish you were here for us to just whisk you away for a day. Since we can't, I will be praying that God sends someone who can do that for you! Remember that God loves you far more than any of us can. He will provide for your needs--spiritual, emotional and physical!
We love you guys, and I will be praying for you!
Love,
Dave
the photos of the kids are gorgeous.. just gorgeous
and the dogs.. thanks for sharing..
oh. just remind yourself that when you hit hard about missing your daddy.. that pain in your tummy is a reminder of how much you can love a human being.. so feel the pain for a few moments and then remind yourself how much your daddy loved you.. and then remind yourself how much he would want you to be happy this holiday season.. and dedicate this holiday season to him
he and your mom produced a marvelous daughter, for sure..
that is so nice of a photo of you and Merrill .. and the caption "still in love".. you are blessed with one another
see you soon..
blessings..
Joseph
I know you will turn to Him as you always have...
Much love to all
Luisa
Your note is touching and poignant, I'm sorry you're in such pain. I can't relate to the loss of two parents. However, I did suffer greatly from Joe and Tricia both departing from home this summer. I can still just walk by their rooms, glance in and weep. I'm very upset that Joe won't be home for the holidays, it's the first time my family isn't all together. Sometimes, I feel so sad that I don't want to celebrate.
I find great comfort in religion and my faith. I know that God will not make me suffer anything greater then I can handle - with his help. I also find solace in thinking about Mary, the mother of Jesus - she suffered the loss of her only son, just as you've suffered the loss of children (and I have too).
Draw strength from all the simple joy in your world, like the terrific pictures on your page and the puppies. Little things, like the smell of puppy breath and a child's smile will give you the energy you need to keep going and every task you finish makes you stronger, and a better wife and mother. I know you'll succeed, because not only are you a Baumann, but you're a Stamnitz and that's one heck of a combination! Stubborn might be defined by those two names, not to mention 1/4 Fogel - now that's obstinate! Those are three family characteristics that have known great suffering in their existences and usually come out somewhere near the top - you're the best of the bunch! Take that power and turn it into your source of consolation!
I'll keep you in my prayers, God Bless,
Debbie
I have days where I keep thinking about that day when one of my parents leaves. I still have them both. Vicki has no parents or grandparents any more. I feel I will loose part of myself when that happens. You know I know what I should feel and how I should act but that does not help. I think some heartaches just take time. Funny when your a child your parents seem to be much farther down the road but when your old they seem to be only a few steps ahead.
Jesus, please give extra strength, grace and mercy to this family and to Roberta Your servant.
In Christ,
Collins Family
Suzanne
You are so very lucky to have had your dad as long as you did. I lost my dad when I was 7 years old. I miss him. Always rememeber the footsteps... God will carry you through the rough times. You are in my prayers
take care and love you...
((((HUGS))))
Your blog is the only one I have ever looked at. It is full of life and celebration of life. I am one year out from my Dad's death and you expressed so many feelings that I have. There is something about our Daddys. I think we will will always feel their presence in some form in our lives. There is not much I can say except you all are in my prayers and peace be with you my friend.
Much Love,
Char
Your Aunt Wilma